I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
