The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
