Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
