Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
