I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I want a musical about memes.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
