If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
