I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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