You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
