So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
