Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
