is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
