You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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