Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
He kissed a someone with a penis
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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