i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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