I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
