I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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