well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
