No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
