Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
