I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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