You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Randomize
