So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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