God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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