I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I don't deserve a penis
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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