Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
