I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
