there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You're breaking my sexual little heart
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
