My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
