nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
