guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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