Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
