did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
