Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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