have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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