i need an iv and a liver transplant
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
