I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
do herpes really smell.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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