she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
