lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
of course. lets lasso hookers.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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