no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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