Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
me + whiskey = a bad person
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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