you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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