imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
