we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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