So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
