Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
