She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
