I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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