I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
He literally asked permission to hit on me
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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