I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
