my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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