my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
