but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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