her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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