I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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