I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
