Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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