So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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