I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Too much gin, very little bucket
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
