Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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