If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
this will be a night to untag.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
